


So if you're lonely, Darling you're glowing (If you're lonely come be lonely with me)

by TsundereFloOf



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Asexual Character, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Boys Kissing, Coming Out, Connor baby I'm sorry, Connor has a crush on Jared, Connor is unlabeled, Evan has a crush on Zoe, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Fluff, Gay Jared Kleinman, Heartbreak, How Do I Tag, I Love You, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I hate it here, I kin Jared, I project onto Jared, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Jared Kleinman, Insecurity, Jared I'm so sorry but you must suffer, Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy Tension, Jared Kleinman speaks Hebrew, Jared has a crush on Evan, Jared is a little shit, Jewish Evan Hansen, Jewish Jared Kleinman, Kleinsen, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M, Mabel too, Minor Zoe Murphy/Original Female Character(s), My First Work in This Fandom, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Beta Read, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Evan Hansen, Pining, Probably ooc, Rated T for language, Self-Indulgent, That Sweet Hansen Ass, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Unrequited Love, Zoe is bi too btw, adding tags as I go, but not really, implied/referenced eating disorder, it's all a big mess, jared cries, so much pining, this is going to hurt, this is my coping mechanism, we need dipper for that damn pine, you'll see - Freeform, zoe is just vibing tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:22:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28793862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TsundereFloOf/pseuds/TsundereFloOf
Summary: "The dude's in love with you, you know that, right?" Connor said, with this-smirk, weird smirk.a hurt smirk?plastered on his face.Evan gapes at him like a fish"Um- Jared? N-, No, No! He's just my-family friend."Connor barks a laugh at that, Either that or Evan's red face."Are you serious? Oh my god.Try kissing him, See how he'll react then."He huffed, looking away."And quit drooling all over my sister, it's weird. People can see you."That conversation never left Evan's head, which is why he's currently thinking about-kissing.Jared.Which is trying to explain how he-doesn't hate? Evan? It's confusing. He's confusing.Jared needs to be quiet.quiet.quiet.quiet!And that's how our dear Evan Hansen, Kisses Jared. That's his impluse. A terrible one, really.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Comments: 61
Kudos: 41





	1. Jared's a bitch.

**Author's Note:**

> WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW this is going to be a WILD ride, I am SO sorry for my terrible writing abilities, I honestly wrote this for myself? I enjoy making Jared suffer, I really hope you'll enjoy this, and please please comment!! I'd be more than happy to receive feedback and reactions!  
> the title is from This Side Of Paradise from Coyote Theory, it's one of my favorite songs ever!

"You know, it's weird how all the Murphy's have this theme-"  
Jared gestures with his hands to nothing in particular.  
  
"A theme?"  
  
"Yeah! A theme, Like-  
Daddy Murphy is strict, but he also doesn't care.  
And, And-  
Mama Murphy? She either tries too hard or doesn't try at all!  
Let's see,  
Ah yes.  
Jazz Murphy.  
The popular rich girl that hates her brother, What a classic, Almost like Clueless! But I doubt she's going to smooch him any time soon."  
  
He laughs, it's loud, loud, and overwhelming.   
  
"Oh and Stoner Murphy? He's either going to shoot the school or himself! No in-between."  
  
He yelled that, well, not yelled, but he said that very loudly.  
so loud that-  
Shit.  
 _Connor "_ _Stoner Murphy"_ heard that.  
Fuck.  
  
"Um, Jared That's-  
That's kind of insensitive..."   
  
"What? Are you kidding me?  
Hey! Con-Con! Look at me for a sec-"  
  
Oh. And he did. And Evan _squeaked_ because of the glare that was sent towards them, Jared had a slight flinch, barely noticeable.  
  
"See? He even has the style!  
  
Thanks, sweetheart, That's all I needed, You can go now."  
  
He smiles sickeningly sweet at Connor, Blowing a quick kiss and continuing with the animated facial expressions and hand motions.  
Although, Connor is still glaring at them.  
Oh god.  
  
"Anyway, There's this chick I promised to make out with so, I've gotta go make sure her throat gets tongue-fucked with the Kleinman Charm! Have fun-  
Being a loser or something, I don't know what you do, bye!"  
A quick slap to Evan's back and Jared's gone.  
  
"I am SO sorry Jared's like this-

I-I promise he didn't mean it, it's just-  
Jared makes very, very crude jokes, and um-  
you kinda uh-

gotta deal with it..? I know it-

It's not a good, uh, excuse but-  
  
Okay, I'll stop talking, I'm so sorry."  
  
Evan's eyes are locked to the floor, he's scared to see Connor's expression.  
  
"The dude's in love with you, you know that, right?" Connor said, with this- smirk, weird smirk.  
a hurt smirk? plastered on his face.  
Evan gapes at him like a fish "Um- Jared? N-, No, No! He's just my- family friend."  
Connor barks a laugh at that, Either that or Evan's red face.  
  
"Are you serious? Oh my god. Try kissing him, See how he'll react then."  
He huffed, looking away.  
He sounded like he was mocking Jared.  
  
"And quit drooling all over my sister, it's weird. People can see you."  
  
"I-I'm sorry, but what?  
You uh-  
you want me to-"  
  
A vague hand motion, Jared's been rubbing off on him.  
  
"-Jared?"  
  
"I mean, That's one way to see if he likes you, is it not?  
Also, she has a girlfriend, lay off."  
  
"Zoe?-  
Is it-  
Amy? I thought she was her-  
Friend..?"  
  
"She brought her heart cupcakes on Valentine's Day."  
  
"...Isn't that what friends do?-  
I mean-  
I- don't.  
Have a lot of friends so I thought-"  
  
And Connor already walked away.  
  
Fuck.


	2. Evan's a bitch, too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes to Jared's :) still confused about what in the actual fuck was that conversation with Connor, Good luck!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry?????? aaaaaaa????????? I got bored so.

The rest of the day was- normal, to say.   
well, Except for lunch.   
Because this time, Jared actually sat next to him, no food, just his phone and that smirk he always seems to have. (Evan noticed that Jared didn't eat lunch for a long while, is he eating alone? without Evan? Does he gross him out? Is he chewing weirdly?)  
Evan smiles at him.   
Or at least tries to.   
He's not sure if he'd look too happy to see Jared (he'd definitely make a joke about that, ugh.) but it'd be rude to- not? be happy. So it's an awkward half-smile that quickly melts away, he feels stupid.  
"Hey, Hansen. My mom's out today, probably to cheat on my dad again-"   
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"I'm talking, Evan. Anyways, since she wants to make sure I don't get drunk, you're coming over today. I'm sure you don't have any plans anyway."   
  
Evan knows it's a silent plea, a " _please don't leave me alone with my dad_ '.' one, because Jared's mom wouldn't care if he got drunk.  
  
Evan witnessed that.  
  
so he nods  
"Alright but- uh, can you not force me to eat cereal with ketchup again?  
I can't look at milk the same way.."   
  
Jared laughs at that, loudly, he's sure a few people turned around to see who's causing all the noise, which is why Evan shrunk into himself a little more.  
  
"No promises."  
  
He then leaned on Evan, a bit too heavily, he knows that because one time Jared fell asleep on him (it was a sleepover!) and he wasn't so heavy on his shoulder, is Jared trying to make Evan uncomfortable? He scoots away.  
  
After that, it's normal Jared-Talk. (sex jokes, girls, boobs, boobs, boobs, dark humor, boobs, his adventures with other girls, a movie he watched, Mean Girls quotes, boobs-  
why does he talk about boobs so much??? They're just blobs of fat on girls' chests!)  
  
Another day of surviving school, now he needs to survive Jared.  
Again.  
  
"Hey, do you think kissing a girl is gay? Because-  
You're kissing lips that have been stretched around dicks, so you're kissing another dude's dick, y'know?"  
  
Here we go.  
  
After a while of that, Jared's that comes home, Jared notably got quieter, straightening up in his seat.  
  
"Hey, אבא, Evan came over, we did our homework together." They didn't.  
  
He always insisted Jared would use the word dad in Hebrew instead of English, It sounds like that one band- Abba, Jared always grimaces after saying that.  
  
"Hey, Mr. Kleinman."  
  
David, The dad, Takes one look at Jared, seemingly telling him something with a simple glance, Jared gulps next to him.  
  
"Do you want anything to eat, Ev? Drink?" He never used that nickname, not lately.  
  
"N-No thanks, Jared."  
  
After a few more lingering looks, David eventually left, Jared slumps back into his seat.  
  
"Hey, Jared-?"  
  
He hummed in response.  
  
Jared doesn't _like_ Evan, but-  
He still starts conversations with him,  
and he still makes sure they have the type of pasta Evan likes, Or that he has all the homework, ready for tests-  
Jared helps him a lot but-  
Why?  
  
"Do you hate me? Because- When we um, hang out it's always like you are-  
forced to, and you make a point to tell me that. and uh-  
You're not-  
really nice, towards me.  
And I wanna know, if I ever did anything to make you hate me, And-And  
I'm sorry, for whatever I've done, I'm sure it what pretty terrible if you-  
feel that strongly about me.."  
  
Jared's quiet, he's staring at Evan strangely.  
  
"I-  
Evan, I don't hate you. But-  
I, uh-"  
  
He closes his mouth.  
Then he opens it again.  
  
"It's real simple, Evan, It's just my personality and-"  
  
"Are we friends?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Enough with the Family Friends bullshit, Jared!  
Are you my friend?"  
  
"Ask one question at a time!  
I-  
I don't hate you, okay? You're exaggerating I just-  
I don't hate you.  
I-"  
  


 _"Try kissing him, See how he'll react then."_ Connor's taunting voice says in his head, kiss Jared, show him you know the truth! His dirty little secret, why he treats you so badly, is that a way to treat a loved one?  
Maybe he's overthinking this..

But still.  
  
That conversation never left Evan's head, which is why he's currently thinking about-  
kissing.  
Jared.  
Which is trying to explain how he-  
doesn't hate? Evan? It's confusing. He's confusing.  
Jared needs to be quiet.  
quiet.  
quiet.  
quiet!  
  
And he knows one way which might get Jared to be quiet, To shut that blabbering mouth of his.  
  
He surges forward, ignoring the way Jared flinched and backed away from his touch, grabbing (squishing) Jared's cheeks, quickly planting his lips on Jared's.  
  
It's-  
It's not a good kiss.  
Teeth clank, eyes widen, Glasses dig into cheeks, position is awkward, it's all bad!  
And Evan realizes his mistake,  
Quick to pull away, He finds himself pushed back in by Jared's hands.  
And he kisses back.  
 _hard._  
  
They eventually break apart, they need to breathe after all.  
Evan's stunned.  
Did this just happen?  
He couldn't even get a good look at post-kiss-Jared because he immediately buried his face in Evan's shoulder, hiding.  
oh god.  
oh god oh god oh god _oh god oh god oh god oh god **oh god oh god oh god oh god!!!!**_  
He just kissed Jared.  
And Jared kissed him back. 

Evan jumps when he feels arms wrapping around him, They're-  
Jared's.  
He's hugging him.  
Jared is hugging him.  
  
Evan can't remember the last time that happened.  
He can't seem to remember how to speak either, to question Jared, to question the kiss, the hug!  
The-  
The way he can feel Jared crying into his shirt.  
Wet patches forming, the slight tremble of his body.  
He can't _see_ Jared cry, But he can feel it.  
And now Evan wants to cry too.


	3. 'Cause I'm lonely, I'm so lonely If you hold me, I'll be your only

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared requests another visit from Evan.  
> Evan can't say no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title is from this side of paradise by coyote theory, too! It just SCREAMS kleinsen, alright?

A few tears manage to escape Evan's eyes. Why is Jared crying?  
He won't budge.  
Each time Evan tries saying something, ask anything, Jared just nuzzles even more into Evan, sending a soft shiver down his back.  
This is-  
Jared, Nuzzling him.  
It feels weird.  
  
"..Ev?"  
  
Evan jumps again, he almost forgot how Jared sounds like when he's not making fun of him.  
  
"Um-  
Yes, Jared?"  
  
"..Can you come over again, tomorrow, please?"  
  
 _please_  
  
"..Yeah, Yeah sure I'll-uh, I'll be here."  
  
Then Jared pressed a kiss there and-  
What the fuck?  
Is this really Jared?  
Evan can't really bear it.  
Feels tight.  
Too warm.  
Burning.  
His shirt still has wet spots thanks to Jared.  
Cold.  
  
"..I gotta-  
Um, I promised Heidi I'll-

Uh, Bye,"  
  
And with that Evan bolts from under Jared, He quickly snatches his backpack and makes his way back home, blushing furiously.  
No thoughts.  
Numb.  
Confused.  
  
Jared likes him.  
Jared likes guys.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Evan doesn't.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a short chapter but :)))) It's gonna get worse.


	4. 'Cause I think you're so good And I'm nothing like you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's already the next day.  
> Evan's tired.  
> He couldn't get any sleep! And he certainly doesn't get why Jared's being-  
> Weirdly nice? Towards him?  
> No insults, No stupid jokes (Well, maybe a little but-!) no hitting...Just  
> Smiling.
> 
> Is this really Jared?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from Love Like You by Steven Universe, I relate to that song a lot and I love love love it!

It's already the next day.  
Yay.  
God, Is he tired.  
He couldn't even fall asleep! All he could think about is Jared.  
Jared, Jared, Jared, Jared, Jared!   
It could've been much better if Jared just pushed him away and yelled _"What the fuck are you doing?"_ , That would've been easier,Evan is used to that behaviour.  
But _noooooooooo!_ of COURSE Jared just HAD to kiss him back, Of course his only (sorta, kinda, family) friend likes him.  
What a fucking _wonderful_ day waits ahead!  
Evan can't wait.  
  
~~~  
  
When Evan arrived at school, groggily, Jared immediately latched himself onto Evan's arm, like as if Jared's been-  
Waiting...For him.  
That's creepy. (Despite Evan himself usually going early to see Zoe, but it's not the same-! Really.)  
  
At least Jared's smiling at him.  
  
"Morning Ev!  
...You look like ass.  
What's wrong?"  
  
Huh.  
That's the first time Jared asked him that.  
Evan shakes off Jared, Not in the mood to have that extra weight.  
  
"I'm just tired, J-Jared."  
  
"Busy night, Huh?" He wiggles his eyebrows.  
"Was that kiss of ours too much? Did it excite tiny Evan?" (how can he mention it so casually?? Anyone could hear that! God, Evan's in deep trouble.)  
Jared laughs, motioning towards Evan's crotch.  
"There was hardly any tongue! I'm surprised Evan Jr. liked it that much.  
Oh! Maybe we could train him, like a dog-! ( _"Jared! Shh!"_ )  
To stand on command.  
Like every time someone says 'Taco!' BOOM! boner! Wouldn't that be cool? A dick that does tricks!"  
  
Jesus.  
Fucking.  
Christ.  
  
Evan groans loudly.  
  
"That's-That's not funny."  
  
Jared huffs at that.  
  
"It's not supposed to be funny! A trained dick is a serious, rad business!"  
  
"You're not training my- _thing,_ Jared!" Evan squeaked, Face red.  
Well. That's one way to wake up.  
  
"No, but seriously, The bags under your eyes have bags."  
  
"I- just couldn't fall asleep, that's it. You know that happens a lot to me.."  
  
Jared hummed.  
  
"..I'm sorry."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You're still coming over today, right?"  
  
"Um, Yes-?"  
  
Jared beams, that's weird.  
  
Usually, after making a stupid joke, Jared would go, leave Evan alone but now-  
Now he's staying. standing next to Evan, with that weird, not smirk, smile.  
  
Evan..Doesn't hate it.  
  
After class, Jared slides next to Evan, easily slipping his hand into Evan's, causing him to jump while Jared's lacing their fingers together.  
 _what the fuck..?_  
Jared's still silent.  
Just holding Evan's hand.  
  
He can see Connor glaring at them.  
He doesn't know why.  
Jared didn't say anything to him again, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'm sorry it's a short chapter! I'm just preparing for the next one, where Jared spills some hot, hot, boiling tea!


	5. From my heart to yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The thing is, Evan, I don't just-  
> love you.  
> I'm in love with you.  
> Ever since we were fourteen. Remember my birthday? You were the only one who came and I-  
> I realized.  
> All I need is you to be happy."
> 
> Evan remembers.  
> How could he not? That was the first time he saw Jared cry.  
> Sitting alone in his room, holding tightly his pillow.  
> No one was there.  
> Not even his parents.  
> Evan got him a gift-  
> it was a small plant.  
> He can see it.  
> On the shelf.  
> The plant is alive and well.  
> His heart aches.

When it's finally time to pay Jared a visit, Evan feels nauseous, stumbling his way into Jared's car, smiling awkwardly at him.  
It was nice of Jared to offer him a ride..To Jared's place.  
Jared looks-  
Anxious, Nervous.  
Evan never saw him like this, he always has this cocky, overly confident look, like if he wasn't alive the world would've collapsed.  
But now- he looks so small.  
He looks scared.  
Like a frightened child.  
He looks like the Jared Evan used to know.  
The Jared that didn't think twice before getting into a fight to make sure Evan doesn't get made fun of, smiling with crooked teeth and a black eye at Evan.  
"That'll teach them!" He'd say, proudly.  
It never did.  
But Jared never stopped trying.  
Up until now.

Jared-  
Jared isn't as popular as he says he is.  
In fact, he's the second biggest loser in school! (Evan won first place.)  
He's short, a little chubby (You can't really see it, Jared hides it well. But Evan knows Jared, he also saw him change, Once! There's a cute little chub there.  
Looks huggable.), has a foul, loud mouth and a very unwelcoming personality, surely it drives away anyone that wants to engage with the ''gay and lame'' kid. (Thanks, Kurt. You helped a lot.)  
No one really likes Jared.  
No one really likes Evan.  
So they stick together, that's what losers do.  
And family.  
And friends, I guess.

They sit down in Jared's room, Jared's not making eye contact, Evan doesn't mind. He has a hard time with that anyway. (Although he does like Jared's eyes! They're unique, pale blue with the tiniest pool of brown. Looks like an island in an ocean, He thinks it's quite beautiful.)

"Evan-" He starts. Then he cuts himself off, shutting up.

"I think you already know what this is about but-  
I'm gay."  
He looks hurt.  
"And I love you."  
Jared's voice is shaking.  
And then he shakes his head, disagreeing with himself.

"No-  
The thing is, Evan, I don't just-  
love you.  
I'm in love with you.  
Ever since we were fourteen. Remember my birthday? You were the only one who came and I-  
I realized.  
All I need is you to be happy."

Evan remembers.  
How could he not? That was the first time he saw Jared cry.  
Sitting alone in his room, holding tightly his pillow.  
No one was there.  
Not even his parents.  
Evan got him a gift-  
it was a small plant.  
He can see it.  
On the shelf.  
The plant is alive and well.  
His heart aches.

"I started noticing that- the way I look at guys isn't..Isn't the way others, look at them.  
And I noticed that I enjoy your company more than everyone else's, I realized I-  
That I want to make you happy.  
That I want you to look at me the same way you looked at Zoe, Have the same dreamy expression and-"

He looks away.

"You know.  
Feelings.  
But I wanted to say something else, Something-  
More, important."

He takes a breath.

"I hate myself.  
I lie, all the time, I think you know that.  
I repressed my emotions, I-  
I did a lot of things I'm not proud of.  
I hate myself so much I never let anyone get close to me! Because; they'll be nice to me.  
And I don't deserve niceness. Especially with how I treat you.  
I- I thought that if I pretended to hate you, I'd trick my mind into stopping loving you!  
But-  
It didn't work.  
And I couldn't stay away for long, I was always drawn back to you and your-  
Stupid smile, when you talk about trees! It's like your whole world lights up and-"

He's blabbering, Evan's not sure he understands. His head is pounding.

"I never dated anyone.  
I don't deserve love and-  
Hell, I never kissed anyone! Yesterday was my first kiss, I'm serious-"

Is he trying to guilt-trip Evan?

"Evan I-  
I'm sorry.  
I'm sorry for everything I've done to you.  
And I know it's unforgivable, I know a word won't do shit, I still hurt you.  
I can't change the past.  
But I want to change as a person.  
I want to be honest.  
I'm gay.  
I'm an idiot.  
and I-  
I-"

He starts crying, Evan feels his eyes swell up with tears too.

"אני אוהב אותך, אידיוט! אני אוהב אותך יותר משאני אוהב את עצמי."

Evan doesn't know what that means.  
Jared opens his mouth again, probably to speak again.  
Evan can't handle that.  
He kisses Jared again.  
That's the only way to get him to shut up.

And Jared kisses back, Again.  
Because Jared loves Evan.

Evan didn't say anything.  
The whole time.  
He didn't say "I love you too."  
Because he doesn't.  
This is unfortunate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translation!
> 
> "אני אוהב אותך, אידיוט! אני אוהב אותך יותר משאני אוהב את עצמי."  
> means "I love you, Idiot! I love you more than I love myself."  
> I speak Hebrew, and I'm Jewish, so it's 100% accurate!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this.


	6. I can't sleep, I rather die Than see that look in your eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is Jared Dialogue heavy.
> 
> Evan doesn't wanna hear him.  
> He doesn't wanna even let him SPEAK.
> 
> But Jared looks so-  
> ...Happy.  
> He never saw Jared smile so widely before, Evan swears he can see his eyes sparkle!  
> How can someone even like Evan that much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from I Think You're Really Cool by Guardin!(It's from Evan pov about seeing Jared gaze so lovingly at him, the guilt is eating him up! >:) Or, at least, That's what I had in mind while writing that! It also could be Jared about seeing Evan gaze at Zoe the same way.  
> OR Connor seeing JARED gaze at Evan the same way-  
> Listen it's very much a big big big mess!) GOD, I love that song! represents one of my many many ocs in many many universes and fandoms!(He's a ghost of a gay child who has the BIGGEST crush on his rad ghost best friend eheheheheh, Go watch Camp Camp, Cowards!) Your comments make my day, please please never stop, I enjoy them so much <3333
> 
> I hope you all will enjoy my baby girl Amy Mayrose! She's a deh oc of mine, will appear in the next chapters! Here's a little bit of backstory (You don't have to read this to understand the chapter or the story, it just adds to the universe imo and I love talking about my ocs.)
> 
> Amy Mayrose (Might be known as Amy Rose, A cute nickname thanks to her sonic loving friend) Is a sweet, caring girly girl with a big crush on Zoe Murphy! Her parents own a bakery, So she ended up enjoying the whole thing quite a lot! She'd give everyone special pastries in school, Mostly wears pink. Blonde, long hair, usually tied up into a ponytail. Her eyes are blue with a hint of green and she's generally quite innocent and naive.  
> She's quite short, shorter than Zoe.  
> Zoe and her were good friends until Zoe picked up on the really obvious crush of Amy's.
> 
> Long story short, The girls are dating!  
> Zoe is completely fine with Amy being a homoromantic asexual woman and together they have a nice, sweet relationship!  
> They're certainly happy together.
> 
> Amy has her own problems that Zoe tries to help with, but that's a story for another time :))

Eventually, Jared tries to speak again.  
Evan doesn't let him.  
Evan doesn't wanna hear him.  
He doesn't wanna even let him SPEAK.

But Jared looks so-  
...Happy.  
He never saw Jared smile so widely before, Evan swears he can see his eyes sparkle!  
How can someone even like Evan that much?  
  
He keeps smushing his mouth against Jared's every time he tries to say anything.  
No.  
Stay quiet.  
  
Jared chuckles, cheeks bright red with an even brighter smile plastered across them, backing away when he had enough.  
  
"Jesus, Calm down-  
I just wanna talk before you try to eat me alive, Yeah?"  
  
Evan huffed, rolling his eyes.  
  
"No- But really, Evan."  
  
He takes his hands in his.  
  
"I-.. I have issues."  
  
He knows that.  
  
"I am an asshole."  
  
He knows that.  
  
"And I'm sorry.  
I'm sorry that you decided to choose me-"  
  
Evan didn't know that.  
  
  
"Over someone better, You know, someone who actually deserves you."  
  
Jared sighs, avoiding eye contact again.  
  
"After everything I've done to you and.."  
  
"You know, Ev?  
  
You were my gay awakening-"  
  
He laughs, Evan doesn't.  
  
"Yeah-  
It was like-  
In fourth grade, I think?  
I don't remember what happened but I remember I made you laugh.  
And-  
I just saw your smile.  
I saw your smile and I _felt_ something, Evan!  
..When we started growing, and you started getting these adorable freckles-  
I wanted to kiss each one.  
I still do.  
God, Evan, You-  
You- look like an angel, you know that, right?"  
  
Evan can't help but blush, shaking his head. The praise is nice.  
  
"And I realized that uh, I shouldn't-  
love you.  
Because you deserve better.  
So I thought that if I pretended to hate you-  
that I'd-  
You know, fake it till you make it.  
  
 _Man_ , that didn't work.  
I was yearning for you!  
And-And  
Then all the rumours started-  
and everyone knew that I...  
That I-  
Like boys.  
One boy, in particular, you."  
  
Evan remembers that. Jared started talking about fucking girls ever since.  
  
"So I tried proving everyone that they're wrong, I started making fun of you I-  
I did some really shitty things, Evan-  
Fuck, Why were you even my friend?"  
  
Evan doesn't know himself.  
  
"Can you stay the night?"  
  
Evan wants to say no.  
  
"..Sure."


	7. But strangely he feels at home in this place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at school.  
> He can feel everyone looking at them and their intertwined hands, Evan immediately snatches his hand away.  
> He doesn't bother looking at Jared, He knows what he'll see.  
> Just a sad face, masked by a smirk.  
> Evan could always see the glint of sadness in his eyes, they're incredibly expressive.  
> That's why Evan never looks at them directly anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Title is from This Is Home by Cavetown, very much relate.
> 
> Hey guys! I felt rEALLY Jared yesterday-  
> Like I was about to cry just THINKING about what happened between Evan and Jared in canon, I had a very high kin day lmao.
> 
> Now I am feeling incredibly numb but my brain decided to cook some plot points so why not write, I'm adding tags as I go so you might see some new things, I project a LOT onto Jared so that's why he's so out of character but it gives me a lot of comfort so.

They stay up, not too late but they definitely don't go to sleep in time, They watched movies together, Jared decided his seat was Evan's lap, Head tucked underneath his chin and back to chest.  
It's-  
Not uncomfortable.  
Evan quite enjoys and warmth. Not the closeness to Jared, Of course.  
Although his eyelids soon got heavy and when he woke up for the first time, He found himself covered in a soft blanket, tucked in-  
..On Jared's couch-?  
With-  
Jared.  
Snuggled between his arms.  
Evan can hear soft snores.  
They're..Cuddling.  
As if they really do love each other.  
Evan doesn't bother moving.  
He goes back to sleep.  
~~~  
  
When Evan wakes up for the second time, He can smell something sweet.  
It's nice.  
He almost forgot yesterday, slowly getting up, The sweet smell is replaced by-  
smoke?  
 _ **Is something burning?**_  
Evan immediately rushes to the kitchen to find-  
Jared struggling to make pancakes.  
Yet Jared sends him a quick smile.  
  
"I put in some chocolate chips."   
  
Jared doesn't like chocolate.  
Evan does, though, he loves chocolate, that's why Jared always has some in his pockets in case something goes wrong.  
  
Jared flips one pancake.  
It's black, definitely burned.  
Jared shrugs, continuing flipping the others before eventually setting them on a plate, then he pours in more batter, Evan sees even more chocolate in those small batches.  
  
Evan is silent.  
  
"Damn, Takes you a while to wake up, Huh?"  
Jared laughs, and when he flips the pancakes this time, they're perfectly golden.  
Evan's mouth waters.  
  
Jared looks proud of himself.  
  
~~~  
  
When they sit down to eat, Jared makes sure all the perfectly golden pancakes with a generous amount of chocolate end up on Evan's plate, despite Evan trying to switch some for the burned ones, out of politeness.  
Jared has a plate filled with failed pancakes.  
He doesn't touch them, at all, Some of them are edible! Evan doesn't understand why won't Jared even try eating one.  
  
Evan does eat a few. (okay, more than a few but Jared gave him all of that! It'd be rude to not eat.)  
And he has to admit, Jared makes fairly good pancakes!  
  
"I love it when you do that."  
  
Evan tilts his head, mumbling around a forkful a reply.  
  
"Eat?"  
  
Jared laughs at that.  
  
"I love it when you smile."  
  
Evan can feel his cheeks flush.  
  
"Thanks, Jared."  
  
He just nods.  
  
"Come on, eat up, We have school!  
I already prepared everything for you."  
  
Evan panics a bit, trying to swallow down all the remaining bits.  
  
"לעזאזל-  
Slow down!   
I don't want you to choke!  
On _that_ , at least."  
  
That makes Evan cough even more as Jared's laugh fills the air.  
  
"I'll get you something to drink, Milk, Water, Juice?"  
  
After _that,_ they're actually going to school, Jared laces his hand with Evan's.  
Evan doesn't mind that too much.  
  
When they're finally-  
Back at school.  
He can feel everyone looking at them and their intertwined hands, Evan immediately snatches his hand away.  
He doesn't bother looking at Jared, He knows what he'll see.  
Just a sad face, masked by a smirk.  
Evan could always see the glint of sadness in his eyes, they're incredibly expressive.  
That's why Evan never looks at them directly anymore.  
  
"Did you know I accidentally swallowed a butterfly once-?"  
  
Evan didn't expect the laugh that shot out of him.  
  
"You _what?_ how can you accidentally _eat a butterfly?_ "  
  
"No! I didn't eat it, I swallowed it!  
Whole!  
Like- I was walking, like one can do.  
And I opened my mouth, because that's something humans do.  
And- _woosh!_ right into my mouth! That Lil fucker decided to die in my mouth! I choked on a fucking butterfly.  
And it tasted dusty.  
No, Dusty isn't the right word.  
It tasted like anxiety and regret of a teen mom the moment she tells her dad about the guy that shot a baby into her stomach."  
  
Evan was already wheezing, leaning on Jared for support while he continues to explain how he found a wing in his toilet later on.  
It would've been too much information if it wasn't so damn funny.  
  
And then Jared looks at him.  
Watching him laugh with a smile that's so big and genuine Evan wants to cry, He can swear he can see the heart shapes sparkling in his irises!  
It's all gone the moment he sees Connor, Behind Jared,  
Burning holes into Evan with that-  
Glare.  
Evan's scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation! לעזאזל means like-,, Hell or shit or fuck, it's a really general cuss word in Hebrew! Jared used it like "Jesus!-  
> Slow down!" If that makes sense :)


	8. I loved you, I loved you I loved you, it's true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared beamed at them, hands flying everywhere in excitement while Connor pushed him to sit down on the couch, snickering at the 'oof-!' that shot out of him, Connor's surprisingly fond of Jared.  
> Well, the real one at least.  
> He doesn't like the school shooting jokes.
> 
> "He kissed! He kissed me! He grabbed my face and-  
> Boom!!! Isn't it amazing?"
> 
> Zoe just smiled warmly at him, Amy's head was in her lap, She was busy playing with her girlfriend's hair, it's blonde and long, splayed all over Zoe's legs. Jared wishes Evan looked at him the way Amy was looking up at Zoe.
> 
> "That's great, Jare! I'm surprised he made the first move.  
> I thought he still had that crush on me." Zoe says, genuinely happy for Jared, She knew how much he wanted Evan, Jared wouldn't stop talking about him.
> 
> Jared nodded enthusiastically, turning to look at Connor, waiting for any sort of reaction.
> 
> Connor shrugged.
> 
> "Good job I guess, Now you can stop pretending you hate us to impress him.''  
> There was some sort of malice behind his words, Jared scrunched his nose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title is from rät by Penelope Scott! Hope you'll enjoy this, it's longer than the others!

After that, Evan finally went home.  
No more Jared.  
  
Whilst Jared-  
Went to the Murphy siblings, the brightest smile on his face while they chit-chatted.  
  
The thing is, Jared tried to get Zoe to hook up with Evan, to be a good friend, y'know? But, that didn't work.  
And he ended up befriending the two, he's now invited for dinner every weekend. Since his own family doesn't do-  
that.  
Jared feels at home with them.  
  
Which is why he's currently jumping up and down in their kitchen while Zoe lets her girlfriend, Amy, in.  
  
Jared beamed at them, hands flying everywhere in excitement while Connor pushed him to sit down on the couch, snickering at the ' _oof-!_ ' that shot out of him, Connor's surprisingly fond of Jared.  
Well, the real one at least.  
He doesn't like the school shooting jokes.

"He kissed! He kissed me! He grabbed my face and-  
 _Boom!!!_ Isn't it amazing?"

Zoe just smiled warmly at him, Amy's head was in her lap, She was busy playing with her girlfriend's hair, it's blonde and long, splayed all over Zoe's legs. Jared wishes Evan looked at him the way Amy was looking up at Zoe.

"That's great, Jare! I'm surprised he made the first move.  
I thought he still had that crush on me." Zoe says, genuinely happy for Jared, She knew how much he wanted Evan, Jared wouldn't stop talking about him.

Jared nodded enthusiastically, turning to look at Connor, waiting for any sort of reaction.

Connor shrugged.

"Good job I guess, Now you can stop pretending you hate us to impress him.''  
There was some sort of malice behind his words, Jared scrunched his nose.  
  
"Aw, Con-Con! Are you _jeeeeealouuuusss?_ " Jared laughs, throwing his head onto Connor's chest.  
  
"I'll forever miss our passionate, hot, steamy makeout sessions!" He continues while Amy chuckles at the scene.  
  
"Your lips are literally virgin lips."  
  
"Not anymore, Fuckwad!" He's now fully seated in Connor's lap, Connor doesn't push him off.  
  
"So, asshole, You gonna take him out on a date?"  
  
Jared stopped giggling like an idiot.  
  
"I don't know, I don't think he's ready for PDA, you saw how he refused to hold my hand earlier."  
  
Connor hums in reply, stealing Jared's glasses and putting them on (' _Hey! Give it back, Tall-ass!_ ')  
  
"Holy shit, You're fucking blind! How do you even see?"  
  
"I literally can't without my glasses, idiot."  
  
"Dumbass."  
  
"Bitch."  
  
"Whore."  
  
"שרמוטה."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"That means slut in Hebrew!" Amy peeped, to Zoe's shock.  
  
"..What? My neighbours are Israeli and they always say that it tastes 'טוב אחושרמוטה' so, I asked them what that means! And uh-  
Yeah."  
  
Connor bursts out laughing at that.  
  
"I am SO using that."  
  
"Don't call mom a slut!"  
  
"She doesn't know what it means!"  
  
Jared is having a lot of fun watching them go back and forth. Yeah, this is where he belongs.  
  
~~~  
  
Evan's alone at home.  
Again.  
It's weird without Jared by his side, the, uh. Fake, cruel, Jared.  
  
The other Jared, the real one is- is kinda like a marshmallow.   
Soft, squishy, tiny.   
And it's extremely gooey and sticky.   
Evan doesn't really like marshmallows, he knows a lot of other people do but they're too sweet for him! It just makes him wanna wash his teeth.   
Except when they're toasted or s'mores!   
Not like Evan- Likes, Jared covered in- uh, chocolate, that'd be weird!   
And painful.  
And weird!  
He just- Doesn't like Jared that way. Even if he pretends to.  
  
And he doesn't like the fake Jared, filled with crass and a know-it-all attitude. Cynical jokes and outlook on life, Evan really doesn't like it.   
Yet he always chooses to hang out with him. Like always, losers stick together.  
Yeah, That's why.

Later on, he decides to visit the said boy.  
Why?  
Because!  
Wouldn't that be a boyfriend-y thing to do? It's not like Evan WANTS to see Jared, He just wants.. To be good to him while it lasts.  
  
He knocks on the door.  
No answer.  
He rings the bell.  
No answer.  
  
He texts Jared. No answer.  
  
Jared's probably sleeping, Evan uses his spare key. (Yes, he has a spare key to Jared's house, They're best friends, alright?) to find-  
Jared, sobbing.  
In the kitchen, he's clutching a burnt piece of bread, sitting on the floor.  
  
"Jared?"  
  
"I was so hungry." He starts, tears still streaming down his face, Evan wipes his own eyes.  
  
"I was so hungry, and I-I- I wanted to make something simple, something small.  
And I-"  
He heaves.  
"I burnt it! I don't have any bread left, I'm such a failure I couldn't even make a toast! I don't even deserve to eat-  
I-I- I just wasted food, I just wasted food, Evan! There are children STARVING out there and my selfish ass decided to burn a toast I didn't even deserve!"  
 _hiccup.  
_ "I'm such a fucking idiot I can't even _eat_ right! No wonder my parents are never here, who would ever want to come back home to see such a failure!  
I'm just a wasted sperm, A waste of air, of food, of water, of money!"  
 _snnnnnniffff.  
_ "I can't believe- _mff-_!"  
Evan envelopes Jared in a hug, successfully shutting him up while Jared's tears stain Evan's shirt again.  
A few tears make their way down Evan's cheeks.  
He can feel Jared breathing, shaking underneath him.  
  
 _What the fuck happened?_ Evan has never seen Jared like this, and because of a toast?  
  
"Hey, Jared, Do you wanna watch a movie? The one that you like, with the clown?"  
  
"..It-?" _sniff_ "With the losers club? And-And Richie?"  
  
Ah, Yes, Richie Tozier.  
  
Evan heard a lot about him and his huge crush on Eddie, From Jared, Of course.  
  
"I'll go make us popcorn, Buttered, right?"  
  
Jared nods weakly, finally wiping away his tears.  
  
Evan hates to see Jared cry, even if he only saw it twice.  
  
"Just um-  
Warn me before the jumpscares.."  
  
"I'll hold you." He says, gently.  
And suddenly, Evan doesn't feel like he needs any warnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes I cried because I burnt a toast and blamed myself for the world's problems, yes I project onto Jared, Yes I don't know how to write Zoe or Connor, yes I included IT, Yes I ship reddie, Yes Jared loves them.


	9. Love so strong it makes me feel so weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LMAO this is a Valentine's day special because WE KNOW Jared would do EVERYTHING for Evan on this stupid little day because Jared love love love LOVES Evan! This chapter isn't really important to the plot, it's just pure fluff! Oh and Jared tries to make out with Evan and yeah that,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from This Side Of Paradise by Coyote Theory AGAIN I just think it's so them,,,  
> I spent my Valentine's by sending my partners cute Lil love notes, can't wait to actually see them!  
> I'm having a sleepover with one of them, can't wait! I'm in a poly relationship if you're confused and I love both of them very very much.  
> I've been having a Kinnie crisis, oops and now I'm not even sure if I'm cis but eh, shit happens you just gotta survive yeah? I hope you all are having an amazing day, I love and cherish each one of you! Angst is coming soon.

Another night spent at the Kleinman household, Evan's getting used to it.  
He doesn't wake up to a pleasant smell this time, though.  
  
He checks his phone, It's ten AM.  
He's late for school.  
Great.  
Thanks, Jared, for waking Evan up in time! Now no teachers would be mad at him, and nobody would notice him when he's the last one to enter the class, how kind.  
  
"Jared-?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"We're uh-  
We're late for school."  
  
"Oh, you mean we're ditching school?"  
  
"What-!  
No, Jared! We can't do that-!!"  
  
"Yeah, I'm excited to spend the whole day with you, too, Hansen."  
He grins.  
  
" _Jared!_ "  
  
"Come on! One day won't ruin anything, take a break." Jared sing-a-songs that, Since when is he a Theatre Kid? Evan didn't expect him to like Hamilton.  
"Listen-  
I skip all the time, nobody cares! Nobody notices, my grades are perfect!"  
  
That doesn't sound too good.  
But..  
Nobody would notice Evan, too.  
  
"What am I gonna tell my mom?"  
  
"That you threw up or something, It's not like she can prove you wrong."  
  
Evan shrugs.  
  
"I don't have any clothes.."  
  
"You can wear mine!" Jared beams at him as if he WANTS Evan to wear his clothes.  
  
"Um-  
wouldn't they uh-  
Be too small? For me?  
It's just that I uh-  
I'm taller than you, Jared."  
  
"שטויות!  
  
All of my clothes are oversized anyway, It's called fashion, Ev!"  
  
Evan grimaces.   
  
~~~  
  
The clothes are-

soft.

They're really soft.

They smell like Jared, too.  
Even if they've been washed before-  
He can easily detect the slight vanilla scent Jared carries around.  
Evan likes that scent.  
It's not overpowering, it's comforting, whenever he smells something similar, say, in a lush store he feels safe.  
Like everything's going to be okay.  
That's not his usual mood.  
  
Being surrounded by that smell it's-  
it's strange.  
Not bad, Strange.  
Almost intoxicating.  
  
He's just wearing Jared's blue, big hoodie.  
With no zipper, He hates zippers.  
Jared knows that.  
It has a big pocket and-  
Isn't that..  
Evan's old hoodie?  
Huh?  
That's-  
That's weird..  
Evan's not gonna ask.  
  
"Evan! I uh-  
You know how today is-  
Um."  
  
Evan jumps, turning around.  
  
"..Oh my god.  
Evan, you look so-  
so _cute!_ " Jared squeals, jumping up and down with a delivery bag in his left hand, Evan's eyes glance to look at it.  
It's a pink bag with red hearts on it and-  
oh god.  
Oh fuck.  
  
It's Valentine's day, Isn't it?  
Fuck.  
  
Evan blushes slightly, giving Jared the tiniest smile.  
  
"I uh-  
I got us some breakfast! It was on sale, so don't worry about the cost!  
You like blueberry muffins, right?"  
  
They're Evan's favorite food.  
  
He nods hesitatingly.  
  
"Great, Great-  
Come, we gotta sit down to eat, we're not animals!"  
  
And Jared strides off in his stupidly cute ( _cute?_ ) gray-  
is that a mouse? A rat? Onesie.  
Only god understands Jared.   
  
  
"So, It's this webcomic about uh-  
four kids, John, Dave, Jade, and Rose, yeah?  
And they play this crazy game where they-  
Are you listening to me?"  
  
"..Jared did you buy me-

um, us. Chocolate-covered strawberries? Don't you hate chocolate?"

"You like those, right?"  
  
"Yeah but-"  
  
"They're for you."  
  
"But what're you gonna ea-"  
  
"And anyways, I think Dave and John are like, pretty gay, Y'know? But it turns out Dave is into that troll-  
Karkat! The one that's always yelling? Remember him?  
And, listen to that-  
John.  
Thinks.  
He's.  
Straight."  
  
"..I don't know what you're talking about, Jared."  
  
"I'll force you to read it on another day, It's 8,000 pages longs anyways."  
  
"Wh-"  
  
Jared stuffs another muffin into Evan's mouth.  
  
~~~  
  
"Hey, Do you wanna watch Love, Simon?"  
  
"..Um, Okay?"  
  
~~~  
  
Jared is sprawled all over the couch.  
  
"Um-  
I don't have a place to sit-"  
  
"Oh, would you look at that: My face is completely unoccupied."  
  
"..What?"  
Jared laughs.  
  
"C'mhere, Ev."  
  
He reaches out, stretching his arms and doing grabby hands.  
Evan sits in Jared's lap, much to Jared's delight.  
  
and-  
And he immediately brings Evan's face closer, giving him the slightest peck on his lips, leaving Evan stunned while Jared sets up the movie.  
  
"Hey, Do you wanna Netflix and Chill?" He wiggles his eyebrows.  
  
Evan doesn't know what Netflix and Chill is.  
  
"Um?  
Okay?"  
  
"...Wait are you serious?"  
  
"Uh-"  
  
"It means to have sex, Evan."  
  
"Oh.  
Oh my god."  
  
Jared laughs again.  
  
"You're so red! It's adorable.  
I was just kidding, loverboy. Calm your ding dong."  
  
And instead of letting Evan reply, Jared leaves another sweet kiss, lingering on Evan's jaw.  
  
"Do you think Wonka Jerks off to Oompa Loompa's since he has nobody else?"  
  
"..It's a kid's movie."  
  
"And a book! You can't forget the book." Jared chuckles, scooting closer and taking advantage of Evan trying to think of a respose by placing another kiss on Evan's neck.  
  
Oh dear dead god, help.  
  
"Mm, Did you know Hippo's milk is actually pink?"  
  
How is he supposed to watch a movie like this?  
  
"Um-  
Jared, can you please stop talking-?"  
  
"Make me."  
  
"..What?"  
  
"Oh for fuck's sake, Evan! I've been hinting at this for forever-  
I want you to kiss me, dumbass."  
Somehow, it doesn't sound like an insult.  
  
"Oh!-  
uh, Okay!"  
  
The kissing lasts longer than the movie and-  
Jared's ,,uh.  
making noises.

which is normal, it's a human reaction and-  
Okay no Evan can't fucking do this.  
  
"I um, I-  
Er,  
I gotta go, Jared."  
  
"Awh, right now?"  
  
"..Yeah, sorry. Bye."  
  
Jared pouts.  
  
  
"..I'm sorry?  
um-  
Yeah."  
  
And Evan runs out of the house.  
  
  
Jared had a great time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> שטויות is basically bullshit, nonsense stuff like that.

**Author's Note:**

> [Come say hello on Tumblr!](https://maybe-i-should-try-harder.tumblr.com/)


End file.
